


If not by faith, then by the sword.

by anthologia



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, References to Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthologia/pseuds/anthologia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Big warnings for suicide ideation on this one. Do not go in if unprepared.</p><p>_</p><p>So maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone when the Hulk releases him this time, when He painfully twists his mutilated muscles and bones back into something resembling a human, that Bruce breathes air into lungs still burning from the change and realizes that he can’t keep going. He can’t. It’s too much, all this work, and for what? So he can inevitably become the blueprint his father molded him into? And look how much better he’s done than his dad could ever have imagined. Not content to simply act like a monster, Bruce Banner has become one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If not by faith, then by the sword.

_It gets dark, and then_  
 _I feel certain I am going to rise again._  
 _If not by faith, then by the sword,_  
 _I'm going to be restored._  
  
\- Hebrews 11:30, the Mountain Goats

 

 

Bruce Banner eats for two people. One is an unimpressive scientist with no particular athletic skills or hobbies. The other is a gigantic green wall of muscle and rage and instinct.

One of these two requires a considerable amount more energy than the other.

It’s simple to work out, yet it’s a piece of his life that no one seems to consider. They assume the cliché’d things: that he’s always been that way, that his time in Calcutta naturally slimmed him down, that he’s the absent-minded type who gets too distracted by science to eat. The truth is, he was at his best in Calcutta, just because _He_ hadn’t made an appearance. Bruce ate a reasonable amount of food and expended a reasonable amount of energy, and it was all blissfully simple.

It’s not just the shock that knocks him out when He transforms back into Bruce or even the confusion from the change in state. It’s _exhaustion,_ a simple energy deficit. If he has a clue, some kind of warning that he’ll have to transform – if the Hulk is fighting with the Avengers, if a call comes through from SHIELD – then he’ll dig into a bag he’s filled with nutrient bars, densely packed with protein and carbohydrates. Tony teases him, asks him if he’s developed a stress-eating habit. He hasn’t; he just wants not to hurt so much when he wakes up.

(He knows – if it gets too bad, if he doesn’t get the energy he needs, if it gets to a certain point, the Hulk takes over. Because the Hulk is _instinct_ , and the Hulk is self-preservation, and the Hulk understands starvation. Once, when he let it get that far – when he _tried_ to get that far – the Hulk will come tearing out of him, hungrily stripping his body of whatever energy is keeping him alive so He can hunt. Once, Bruce woke up in a field of animal carcasses, ripped to shreds and already smelling foul, and he threw up a half-digested ear. He never tried that again.)

And with every mouthful he tastes the irony, the exquisitely painful irony that he has to work so hard for something he doesn’t even want. Even before the accident, he had days when he wanted nothing more than to lie down and never get up. There but for the grace of an extremely patient psychiatrist and a full scholarship to his undergrad and postgrad universities did he survive long enough to receive his PhD. He has always been damaged on a fundamental level; the Hulk just makes it easier to see, brings all the hurt and rage to the surface.

  
Even with the monster inside finally helping, doing some good, it's not enough.

So maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone when the Hulk releases him this time, when He painfully twists his mutilated muscles and bones back into something resembling a human, that Bruce breathes air into lungs still burning from the change and realizes that he can’t keep going. He can’t. It’s too much, all this work, and for what? So he can inevitably become the blueprint his father molded him into? And look how much _better_ he’s done than his dad could ever have imagined. Not content to simply act like a monster, Bruce Banner has _become_ one.

It’s a simple energy deficit. The energy he puts into this, into living, is more than what he gets out of it. What the world gets out of it. It’s so simple.

Tony looks at him weirdly, asks if he’s okay. He’s been so quiet, hasn’t even asked if the _big guy_ did anything he should be worried about. Bruce almost smiles. He feels lighter, so much lighter. It will be so much easier, when he doesn’t have to work so hard for this.

“I’m fine,” he says, and this time, he really does smile.

(He feels so light.)

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a double fill for the LJ Avengers kink meme:
> 
> \- "Bruce gets low again and Tony is the first to notice because, y’know, this is his science bro. Tony gets increasingly desperate when he sees Bruce is just getting worse and worse and tries to intervene but he’s unsuccessful."
> 
> \- "Bruce or Tony has turned to an ED or self harm to cope. The other helps them out, AND FLUFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
> 
> Also, I am far too fond of the Mountain Goats for my own good, as they are the source for both the story title and chapter title.


End file.
